It is not your fault that you are alone, if you are alone. If is not your fault that you are lonely. Nor is it anyone else’s fault. The concept of ‘fault’ or blame or culpability in general is not meaningful at all in this context. This is in no small part because isolation and loneliness are not morally wrong. It is not wrong to be lonely, so there can be no wrong-doer. QED.
It is just as true that your actions and attitudes contribute to your current state in life. This is not, however, the same as saying that you are at fault for being lonely. These things are often confused! A person will hear ‘you can change’ and respond defensively, saying ‘are you saying this is all my fault?’, but this is a confused way of thinking as one does not imply the other. Our social instincts can easily lead us to tell a story about our loneliness that is focused on avoiding blame so as to try to avoid guilt and shame. It is tempting to believe that we had no choice and no power, that we are lonely for reasons having nothing to do with us. The mind stuck in this confusion will reason that if we can heal ourselves, then we could have healed ourselves in the past, so therefore we would prove that it was all our fault. In addition to being false, this is a harmful mode of thinking because it will undermine or even preempt our capacity to intentionally change for the better.
As an illustration, imagine you see a burning house. You go to the window and see a person sitting inside. The exchange goes something like this:
You: “The house is on fire, you’re in danger!”
Them: “I know, it sucks, doesn’t it? I’m depressed about it.”
You: “Why don’t you escape out a window?”
Them: “Are you saying it’s my fault that I’m in here? Are you blaming me for my own suffering?”
It would be clear in this situation that the person is confused. They didn’t start the fire, but they do have the power to escape the danger. Leaping from a burning building on one’s own volition does not imply they were at fault for being in danger in the first place. It is not even true that they should escape on their own, but that they have the freedom to do so, so they might as well. Similarly, we all have the power to decide to escape loneliness, but this does not mean we are at fault for being lonely. We do, however, bear responsibility for either acting or failing to act. If we never jump out the window we may die alone in that burning house. This is not a moral failing, of course, since being alone is not immoral. It is painful, though. We may as well try to escape if we can.
There is no sense in trying to pretend that we are powerless to change or that we can’t help it. Telling these fibs may have helped us avoid blame for things in the past, but in this context it is pointless. It is false and may lead to remaining stuck in a miserable place when we could instead decide to move towards healing.