Presence and Motion – Thoughts on escaping loneliness, connecting with others, and being a social person in a social world.

Practical Tools: Shared Focus

July 18th, 2022

When you are with others whom you want to connect with, or even just those you want to be polite to, try to intentionally direct your focus at whatever others are focused on. This can be simple and concrete such as when watching a movie with others. It might seem like it goes without saying, but it is pro-social to remain focused on the movie.

If the group is conversing, then remain focused on the conversation broadly, but more specifically stay with the topic. If someone is telling a story, try to intentionally engage with the story as much as possible. Imagine all the scenes being described and keep your attention on the person speaking.

Shared focus is an important kind of togetherness that helps connect people. Being focused on different things undermines that social connection and prevents you from enjoying a shared experience with others.

The challenge here tends to be anxiety, generally, which is often experienced as a kind of nervous boredom. There is a tendency to want to disengage. It is best to purposely refuse to disengage and instead be even more resolute in focusing on the common topic or activity. This will tell everyone around you that you’re with them, you’re sharing the experience, and you enjoy their company.

Turning away, looking at the phone, or otherwise focusing on something else will tell others that you do not want to be with them. It will comunicate dissatisfaction with the group. It will prevent others from connecting with you. It may be less comfortable in the moment to sit through a boring movie or conversation, but it is worth the effort in order to communicate to those around you that you want to enjoy their company while they are with you.
Practical Tools: Flip The Script

July 1st, 2022

An effective tool for learning social grace and navigating moment-to-moment social situations is to flip the script. This involves considering the perspective of the other. Some examples:

While feeling anxious around others, our self-focused thoughts might be something like “Do others like me? Are they giving me the acceptance I want?” We can flip the script and look at it from the other perspective, “Do I like those around me? Am giving them the acceptance that they want?”

If we are in a state of self-pity and wondering “Why doesn’t anyone reach out to me? I would feel better if someone reached out.”, we can flip it around and consider “Why don’t I reach out to other people? They would feel better if I reached out.”

When we are thinking “I wish I had someone to talk to, someone to really listen and care.”, we can consider also “Other people would enjoy having someone to talk to, and I could be a good listener, and care about them and what they said.”

If in a social situation we are feeling unsure and insecure, and thinking “I am nervous, I am worried the people around me will be mean to me, or judge me for something I am or something I say or do.”, we can look at it from the other side and think “The people around me may be worried about whether I’ll be mean to them, and whether I’ll judge them.”

When doing this we recall that other people are basically like us and have similar wants, needs, and fears. We do not forget that others are different from us, however. We also recall principles such as reciprocity: if we want something from others, we must also give it to them. We are no exceptional. We are all just people in the world. If we want love, we should flip the script and consider how we can be loving to others.
Inner Work: I Am Imperfect, but I Can Get Better

July 1st, 2022
While alone and relaxed spend some time considering your attitude towards yourself, others, and how you relate to others.
1. I am imperfect.
2. Change is possible.
3. I can make decisions to direct my own growth.
4. Therefore, I can get better.
Consider the truth that you are imperfect. We are all imperfect. We have imperfect knowledge, imperfect awareness, imperfect skills. This leads us to hurt others. When is the last time you hurt someone? On accident? On purpose? If you cannot recall anything to mind, you may be confused about your own perfection. An inability to admit fault is a critical impediment to escaping loneliness, among many other things. Refusing to admit fault may help avoid a certain kind of inner judgement, but it will render us unable to learn from our mistakes. For those who are lonely, it can mean they remain lonely. It is vital to admit fault, which is only possible if one accepts their imperfect nature.

We must recognize that we are not perfect, that we make mistakes both in what we do and what we don’t do, and that these mistakes can and do hurt those around us. Perhaps other people often respond poorly to us, as was the case for me years ago. This is distressing, but it is not an impossible situation so long as we are able to accept that we have some areas that need work and change.

Our mistakes can hurt ourselves, too. When is the last time you hurt yourself? On accident? On purpose? The point is not to judge or blame, the point is to be aware of the truth. The truth is that no one ought to suffer. Suffering is often unavoidable, but there is no sense is causing it.

However much suffering we may have caused others or ourselves we can always learn and do it better in the future. We are imperfect, but we can grow, learn, and change such that we hurt less and cause others to hurt less.

The process of escaping loneliness will involve confronting parts of ourselves that are unskilled, confused, and otherwise imperfect. It is possible to do this only when we accept that we are by our nature imperfect. We should not expect to be perfect. When we have a sensible attitude towards our limited nature we can look inward, see clearly, and use that non-judgmental clarity to make better decisions in the future. Perhaps we did not know enough in the past, but we can learn more, and approach the future with more wisdom and skill.
Principles of Social Grace (Incomplete)

July 1st, 2022

Awareness – We are always aware of others. We see them, listen to them, and in all other ways pay full attention to them. We strive to be aware of all aspects of others without ignoring anything regardless of how it makes us feel. When our attention is pulled away by distractions around us or within us, we take note, and then direct our awareness back to others. We remain aware of the people in our lives and those not yet in our lives even when they are not around us. We keep others in our thoughts and in our hearts.

Consequently, we must practice awareness for without it we are lost. We cannot begin to learn to be with others if we cannot pay attention to them. Awareness demands a non-judgmental attitude because judgement obscures pure awareness. This we must also practice. Every barrier to awareness—fear, anxiety, self-criticism, apathy, etc.—must be noted and investigated and eventually resolved so that we can be fully and totally aware of others and ourselves and the context in which we are all socially present. We must practice awareness daily, hourly, moment-to-moment. It is the foundation of everything.

Consent – We strive to never violate other people. We do not wish to force ourselves on anyone. We respect boundaries. It is our wish to be with others willingly, such that no one feels obligated to be anything but their authentic selves. All positive social interactions happen with mutual consent. Wherever consent is not granted, for whatever reason, we must respect it and give others space. To violate consent in any way is profoundly destructive to social relationships and is wrong. We recognize that consent is an inner state, and that it may change at any moment. There is no ‘ought’ with consent, there is no external contract which may compel it, and no past agreement which can override the withdrawal of consent. When we find we have violated consent in any way we are ready to admit it, we are curious about how it happened, we listen to those we have hurt, and we do all we can to make them whole again. We apologize sincerely and feel our own remorse fully without justifying or equivocating. We do not push others, we do not pester, we do not harass. We accept that healthy relationships are only ever by mutual consent and if that is not present we accept the end of the relationship and feel whatever grief may result. Critically, we understand that just because we desperately want something from someone does not mean they have any obligation to give it to us.

Consequently, we must learn how to understand the often subtle and complex verbal and non-verbal methods people use to communicate their desires, limits, boundaries, and moment-to-moment consent to our social interaction. We must always work to build a deeper understanding of those around us so that their boundaries are clear to us. We pay attention to how they communicate—or fail to communicate!—their fear and pain. We are always sensitive to the fear and pain of others even when we do not yet understand why they are feeling as they. We learn to check-in with others and to establish ourselves and trustworthy and stable enough to receive criticism and other negative information regarding our failures to respect consent.

Charity – We want to be generous with our attitude, attention, and communication. We assume the very best about others. We withhold judgment and give the benefit of the doubt. We ask ourselves constantly ‘what does this person need, and can I provide it for them?’. We focus on the welfare of those around us and consciously direct our awareness to them in a spirit of compassion. It is our happiness to see others happy. We see through illusory things like physical appearances, wealth, status, and ‘success’, and focus on the inherent and incalculable value of the human being. We do not hold back with our love. We give for the sake of providing and for not other reason. We care for others because they deserve it, especially when they do not feel they deserve it. We recognize that others may find it difficult to feel charitable towards us. We understand that people have their own fears and anxieties and confused judgments which may obscure us in their eyes and make it impossible for them to be generous to us. We are charitable to ourselves, as well, and do not judge ourselves even when we find we have failed in our own effort to be charitable and non-judgmental.

Consequently, we must address our inner values and attitudes so as to confront any confusion that could lead to us being neglectful, hostile, or judgmental. We must intentionally practice seeing others in the best possible light. Wherever we realize there is hatred or fear or disgust or contempt in our hearts we realize we have become confused again and we work to understand the origin of those confused feelings. We practice daily remaining aware that our thoughts and feelings have no inherent truth to them, so that any uncharitable thought or feeling may be as inconsequential as temporarily believing there are two moons. We strive daily to look at other people and see their inherent value.

Reciprocity – We understand there is an inherent equality among all people. We are not the protagonist of the story of life. We are not exceptional. We deserve kindness in the same measure as anyone else. In our relationships we honour this by never taking more than our share, nor asking more than we would give. When others show us kindness, we make an effort to return that kindness. When someone risks something for our sake—perhaps by inviting us to a social event, which risks rejection—we strive to risk something for their sake, as well. We also expect that those who love us with return our love, and we do not allow ourselves to be taken for granted. All healthy adult relationships are based on reciprocity and so there must always be a reasonable back-and-forth of social burdens like responsibility, initiative, and risk.

Consequently, we must make use of our awareness and take note of what others do for us that we may do it for them, as well. The practical effort of honouring reciprocity is in doing things that we do not do naturally or spontaneously. If someone calls us on the phone, we may not naturally want to call them back. But if their call made us feel good, then we ought to make them feel good in the same way even if we must expend some willpower and endure some temporarily discomfort. To do our part in a relationships we will regularly be called to leave our comfort zone. It is best to do so when others have done it for us.

Mutuality – A relationship is like walking together. When we walk with someone we share a similar space as they do, and we expect this. Walking together we share the sunshine, the rain, and storms. We laugh together, we cry together. We expect to share in feasts and famine alike. When we are blessed, we share our blessings. When we are in trouble, we humble ourselves and ask our friends for help. We carry with us always the understanding that we are sharing life in a deep sense and do not try to except ourselves from the difficult parts. Relationships are about being together, not just extracting good feelings from another person. We do not try to avoid others when they are difficult, least of all if we still expect others to support us through our own difficulties. We walk together, hand in hand, and face the future in relationship. Every movement away from this mutual walk is destructive to our relationships. We focus always on walking with others and do not expect to lead nor follow and we do not allow ourselves to be fooled into those confused modes of relating.

Consequently, we must intentionally address our attitudes about our relationships so that we are seeking only to share life. We must set our mind and heart to expect to walk through difficult times with those in our lives so that tragedy does not catch us unaware and unable to be with others fully. We do not expect others to share in their wealth, but we recognize that it is best to share, and we draw closer to those who understand this as we do. Nor do we expect others to share our pain, but we appreciate it when they do. We look at what we have and what others have and do what we can to share it all without holding back so that they feel we are well and truly with them. This means sacrificing our time and possessions and sometimes our well-being in order that we never take more than we get from those with whom we walk.

Balance – As no one is any better or worse than anyone else there is an implied balance to all relationships. We recognize that whatever work is necessary for a relationship ought to be distributed as equitably as possible. No one should be suffering significantly more than anyone else in the maintenance of a relationship. No one should be getting significantly more than they are giving. We do not hold to balance as an absolute, but rather as a bellwether which may help guide us to healthy and pro-social actions and expectations. We understand that balance does not imply quantifiable equality in all aspect, as some things are more costly to one person than to another, and it is that underlying cost that ought to be balanced rather than the measure of it. To be more concrete: ten dollars is trivial to the rich person, but costly to the poor person, and so it would be out of balance for the poor person to pay as much as the rich person. Similarly, if someone has a high cost of anxiety for a particular kind of social interaction, it may be balanced to have one person doing a lot more of something—like party planning, group organizing, etc.—than another person while still maintaining a fundamental balance.

Consequently, we must pay attention to those aspect which may be balanced or out of balance. We must intentional ask ourselves: am I doing my part? Am I carrying my weight? Am I expecting others to do more work so that I don’t have to? Am I suffering far more than others in a way that feels unfair? If we do not check and maintain awareness we cannot hope to move towards a more balanced way of being with others. It is, like all things, something we must be intentional about, especially at first.
Silent Work: Walking Calm

June 18th, 2022

It is possible you are currently so socially anxious that you cannot bring yourself to initiate a conversation with anyone. You may also feel like your social skill is simply too low to manage a conversation. Perhaps you’ve tried and failed to ‘put yourself out there’ or ‘just talk to people’ etc. enough times that you no longer feel it’s useful to try anymore. This is a method to ease your social anxiety and improve your social grace that does not require you to speak to or even look at anyone else. It is safe and can be done alone.

Even if you aren’t in such a state, this is a good method to practice. What, you might wonder, could be the benefit of not talking to people? How could that improve our social grace? How does this get us any closer to connecting with others?

There are many answers to those questions, but one of them is that every social interaction begins at a distance (if it is face-to-face). Before any words are spoken others will see your appearance, your body language, your demeanour, your facial expression, and many other signs and signals that will communicate something about you. You might get annoyed at these kinds of judgements, but there’s no point in being bothered. This is just how it is. Other people will see how you look and how you behave and draw conclusions about you based on this.

It is a very common problem for people to communicate non-verbally that they want people to stay away from them. A person who is visibly anxious, especially if their anxiety increases when approached, will signal to a consider person that they ought to leave this anxious person alone. It is a sad irony that many lonely people are avoided out of compassion rather than disgust.

Social anxiety can lead to a similar problem. Anxiety is a kind of fear, and social anxiety is a kind of generalize fear of others. When we are afraid we show it via our body and face. Others see that we are afraid and they avoid us. We are like growling dogs, and so it is reasonable to expect people to avoid us when we are afraid of them. A growling dog does not hate you, it is afraid of you, and wants you to stay away. Sometimes we ‘growl’ with our bodies in ways we cannot control. If we can ease the fear, however, we will not growl, and others will feel safe to approach us.

If we can remain calm around others, we will naturally affect a calm appearance and facial expression. This will communicate to those around us that we are approachable. This can help pave the way for positive social interactions.

This is something I did while working on my own loneliness and social anxiety, and I still practice it. I can’t promise anything, but it helped me reduce my anxiety. The nice part is you don’t have to speak to anyone or even look them in the eye, so it is very safe. It can also be done alone.

0) Make the decision to do it. Resolve to practice walking calm.

1) Go somewhere where there are people around such as a grocery store, shopping mall, public park, etc. At first it is best to do it when you know you can leave at any time. Try to do it when you’re in a good mood already.

2) Walk around and try to remain calm. This is all you really need to do. Staying relaxed while around other people is all you are practicing during this time.

3) Pay attention to how you’re feeling while you walk. It is not possible to force yourself to be calm. Rather, you can be aware of how you feel, and then respond in a sensible way to help yourself regain calm. If you get a little anxious, that is OK, don’t get angry with yourself! Some anxiety is going to happen. Remind yourself that you do not need to talk to anyone or even look at them, all you need to do is walk around and be among people. Focus on your breathing while you walk. Deep, even breaths, exhale for as long as you inhale. This sort of breathing will tell your body ‘everything is OK’. Bring to mind happy memories, as well as thoughts of things that delight you. Anything that gives you warm feelings can help keep you calm while you’re around others. It might seem a little silly, but it works.

4) If you are feeling calm, try to let your body show it. Walk at an easy pace and let your hands swing at your sides. Keep you eyes at eye-level, generally, if you can. You do not need to hold your eyes up all the time, but it is always good if you can raise your eyes to observe others. Pay attention to how your face appears and try to affect a relaxed half-smile.

5) Look around. Look at everything around you. Try, if you can, to be curious about it all. Most of all try to look at the people around you. This is optional, of course, but it does help a lot. Don’t stare at them, just take a quick look, and then let your eyes keep wandering to other things.

6) This is key: Intentionally think charitable and compassionate thoughts about every person you see. Imagine their mother holding them as a baby, naming them, looking with love in her eyes. Imagine them as a child, precious and small and full of energy and life. Imagine that they have friends who care about them and that they care about others. Consider that they may have people who rely on them, people who are delighted that they are in the world. Consider that they are fighting battles just like you are, that life is also hard for them in ways you do not know and can only imagine. Consider that they have fears and insecurities. Remind yourself that they are just as deserving of love and kindness as anyone else. This is especially true if they look upset or angry, or if they are clearly having a troubled life. If they are ugly in some way consider how much harder it must be for them to face the world, and try to give them extra charity in your mind. Imagine if they were thirsty that you would give them water, and imagine if you were thirsty they would do the same for you. Tell yourself “This person is just as valuable as I am, they deserve love and kindness, and I hope they are doing well.”

7) Pay attention to your own feelings as you do the above step. How do you react to others? Pay attention to your feelings with as much clarity as you can. Are you feeling fear, disgust, pity, envy, desire? Do not judge yourself, no matter what you feel. Feeling negative feelings is part of being a person. What matters is that you are aware of how you are feeling. If you find it difficult to summon positive thoughts about a specific person, try to be aware of why that might be. Consider what about them might make it challenging to think kindly of them. Whatever you feel, take note, and then move on to the next person and the next thing to focus on.

8) If you notice yourself starting to speculate about what others are thinking of you, take note that your mind as wandered, then bring your focus back to your work. Focus on your walking, your facial expression, your breathing, and whatever it is you’re looking at. This kind of work is not helped by thinking about how others might be thinking.

9) If you get anxious to the point of distraction, or if you get tired or upset, or if for any other reason you feel unable to continue the work, feel free to decide to return to a safe place to recover. You can always try again another time. Do not push yourself to do things that are acutely uncomfortable.

Practice the above daily if you can. It can be practiced whenever you’re around others, or even when you’re just people-watching. For me, this practice led to a noticeable drop in anxiety around strangers after a few weeks of practice. Over time I felt less afraid and more able to be around people without my anxiety spiking. It is hard, after all, to speak calmly with others if you cannot even be around people without being terribly anxious. Again: I cannot stress enough how important it is to think charitably about people on purpose.

This all might seem to have little to do with social anxiety since you aren’t actually speaking to anyone, but you are, in a significant way, socializing with others around you even when you’re silent. Your body language, your facial expression, your overall affect, it all communicates something to the people around you. If you are calm, you will tend to appear calm. If you’re focused on others and thinking well of them, you’ll tend to look warm and inviting. This will lay the groundwork for practicing social interactions that will be positive and low-anxiety, which is when exposure therapy actually has a chance to help you instead of just making things worse.

It is important to note that the goal here is not to perform or mask our anxiety, the point is to ease the anxiety itself, to remain free of fear and stay in a relaxed state. Then our body will naturally communicate our ease for us without any need to perform.
Loneliness Is Not Your Fault

June 18th, 2022

It is not your fault that you are alone, if you are alone. If is not your fault that you are lonely. Nor is it anyone else’s fault. The concept of ‘fault’ or blame or culpability in general is not meaningful at all in this context. This is in no small part because isolation and loneliness are not morally wrong. It is not wrong to be lonely, so there can be no wrong-doer. QED.

It is just as true that your actions and attitudes contribute to your current state in life. This is not, however, the same as saying that you are at fault for being lonely. These things are often confused! A person will hear ‘you can change’ and respond defensively, saying ‘are you saying this is all my fault?’, but this is a confused way of thinking as one does not imply the other. Our social instincts can easily lead us to tell a story about our loneliness that is focused on avoiding blame so as to try to avoid guilt and shame. It is tempting to believe that we had no choice and no power, that we are lonely for reasons having nothing to do with us. The mind stuck in this confusion will reason that if we can heal ourselves, then we could have healed ourselves in the past, so therefore we would prove that it was all our fault. In addition to being false, this is a harmful mode of thinking because it will undermine or even preempt our capacity to intentionally change for the better.

As an illustration, imagine you see a burning house. You go to the window and see a person sitting inside. The exchange goes something like this:

You: “The house is on fire, you’re in danger!”

Them: “I know, it sucks, doesn’t it? I’m depressed about it.”

You: “Why don’t you escape out a window?”

Them: “Are you saying it’s my fault that I’m in here? Are you blaming me for my own suffering?”

It would be clear in this situation that the person is confused. They didn’t start the fire, but they do have the power to escape the danger. Leaping from a burning building on one’s own volition does not imply they were at fault for being in danger in the first place. It is not even true that they should escape on their own, but that they have the freedom to do so, so they might as well. Similarly, we all have the power to decide to escape loneliness, but this does not mean we are at fault for being lonely. We do, however, bear responsibility for either acting or failing to act. If we never jump out the window we may die alone in that burning house. This is not a moral failing, of course, since being alone is not immoral. It is painful, though. We may as well try to escape if we can.

There is no sense in trying to pretend that we are powerless to change or that we can’t help it. Telling these fibs may have helped us avoid blame for things in the past, but in this context it is pointless. It is false and may lead to remaining stuck in a miserable place when we could instead decide to move towards healing.
Can I Change? Or Will I Be Lonely Forever?

June 18th, 2022

Change is always possible. We are all changing constantly. Little changes can add up to big changes. Change can come from within via making different decisions that lead to new ways of thinking and acting. Over time a change of mind can lead to new habits which, over time, will harden into character. Our moment-to-moment decisions contribute to an overall arc of change that can be profound and life-altering. Having been one way for a long time does not preclude change of this nature. We can always decide in an instant to do things differently. We have agency/free will/volition and this can be used to self-direct the course of our lives to some extent.

Some change can come in an instant through learning new information. If, for example, a person believed they have a life-threatening allergy to a common food such as wheat they would naturally avoid not only foods with wheat, but foods which may contain wheat. They would experience a high degree of anxiety around food whose composition they did not know for sure. Restaurants would be terrifying, since any food could be potentially contain a lethal does, and so an activity as mundane as eating lunch could produce anxiety powerful enough to induce panic. If, however, they later learned that they did not have any allergy they would no longer feel such fear. Common foods would not longer cause them acute anxiety. Their life would change, possibly in a radical way. New social avenues around casual dining would open up and they could participate in social eating with less anxiety. Their core identity and nature would remain unaltered, but their lives would still be different simply as a result of learning something new.

Our brains change on a molecular level. It is called ‘brain plasticity’ or ‘neuroplasticity’. The functional elements of our brains, neurons, can grow and reorganize over time. Our brains literally change. Who we are as physical thinking entities will inevitably change over time. In the past it was believed that only young children have the capacity for such plasticity, but more modern research as shown that our brains can be altered through adulthood.[1][2][3] It is only true that we can change, but that we cannot help but change. We may as well take advantage of our innate capacity for growth and be as intentional as possible in our thoughts and actions so that we change for the better.

In the context of escaping loneliness this capacity for change is critical. At first what matters most is that we believe in change. It is impossible to maintain sustained focus and effort on a task if we believe the goal is ultimately not attainable; recognizing the potential for change allows us to have faith that our efforts to connect with others can be successful. Knowing that we can change ourselves down to our very neurons can give us hope that we will not always struggle so greatly with social interactions. This can motivate us to work hard even when things are difficult or uncomfortable. Over time, with enough practice, our brains will learn social grace and it will not longer terrify or exhaust us to be among others. It is possible to learn to love, trust, and relate to other people. Loneliness is not a permanent state, or at least it does not need to be.

CITATIONS:

[1] – Kolb B, Gibb R. Brain plasticity and behaviour in the developing brain. J Can Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2011;20(4):265-276. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3222570/ (Date Accessed: 18 June 2022)

[2] – Green CS, Bavelier D. Exercising your brain: a review of human brain plasticity and training-induced learning. Psychol Aging. 2008;23(4):692-701. doi:10.1037/a0014345 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2896818/ (Date Accessed: 18 June 2022)

[3] – Rakic, P. Neurogenesis in adult primate neocortex: an evaluation of the evidence. Nat Rev Neurosci 3, 65–71 (2002). https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn700 https://www.nature.com/articles/nrn700 (Date Accessed: 18 June 2022)
A Summary of The Work

June 16th, 2022

Inner Work – This is between you and yourself. This work is about introspection, self-awareness, self-analysis, and reevaluating one’s self. We examine our attitude towards ourselves, our self-worth, and how this influences our approach to other people. We consider our attitudes towards people in general. This work involves looking deep in to our understanding of what is real, what is true, what is good, and was is valuable. It is possible—and likely—that there are parts of our beliefs, attitudes, and values that are false and confused. Examining and revising our inner understanding is a vital element of learning to connect with others.

Silent Work – This is between us and other people, but does not involve speaking with them. This work is about being physically around other people in ways that are healthy, calm, and pro-social. We practice being intentional with our non-verbal communication, from body language to eye-contact to our choice of clothing. We practice being aware of how we respond to the presence of others, how we react to anxiety and attention, and how we feel about the appearance of other people. We take the insights we gained from inner work and apply them to real-world situations involving other people in order to test our insights and gain additional awareness of how the people around us make us think and feel. Without practicing being around others in an intentional and calm way we cannot hope to speak with them productively.

Speaking Work – When we have done enough inner work and silent work we begin speaking work. We do not begin speaking work until we are feeling calm enough to begin. This involves speaking with others in an intentional way. We practice being aware of how others respond to what we say, and how we feel and think about their response. We begin to practice the ‘social cycle’ in which we begin with intent, convert that in to action and speech, interpret the response from the other person, then use our understanding of their response to form a new intent and new action and words, and so on. Speaking work can be as simple as exchanging pleasantries with retail workers, or as complicated as attending a wedding and reception. The focus of speaking work is not just to throw ourselves in to ‘exposure therapy’, but to be focused, aware, and intentional about how we speak to others. Speaking work is focused on short-term concerns, i.e. specific conversations and interactions.

Relational Work – When speaking comes easily and we have some degree of confidence with the basics of conversation we proceed to focusing on more advanced modes of relating to others. Whereas speaking work is about the mechanics of a conversation, relational work is about the overall structure and form relationships from purely platonic to romantic. We learn to examine not just how people respond to us in the moment, but how those responses add up to a big picture of sorts. Within this is the concept of ‘theory of mind’, i.e. understanding the point-of-view, motivations, thoughts, and values of another person in a holistic way. We practice reflecting on past conversations to better understand how we relate to others in general and in ways specific to an individual. Group dynamics are also considered in relational work: what does it mean to be ‘part of a group’, and how does the group differ from the individuals that compose it? Etc. This work is focused on understanding how our specific words and actions accumulate to form relationships, and how they can undermine and even end those relationships.

Each of these four modes of work are done in cycles. We return to inner work, silent work, speaking work, and relational work again and again throughout our journey to escape loneliness and connect with others. As we gain mastery in one mode, we will find the other modes change as well. Understanding, say, our innermost values can change our idea about what kinds of relationships we want to invest in. A concrete example is that if we change our mind about how we understand and value success to mean ‘happiness’ rather than, say, ‘having lots of money’, we may decide to let some of our professional relationships go fallow while we invest more heavily in romantic or friendly relationships. Similarly, the way way respond to how others treat us may lead us to believe different things about ourselves and our place in the world. Any mode of work can influence any other mode. It is not a simple process of moving from A to B to C, but instead of dynamic and cyclical process of focusing inward (presence) and then outward (motion), and then back again.

When we have practiced and learned and grown so much that we have developed healthy relationships with of people we will then approach the final realm: escaping loneliness and making genuine connects with others. This is not a simple thing. Or, rather, it is very simple, but can be scary, threatening, and difficult to manage in practice. Being together with another person means being known by them. To be known is to be exposed, and to be exposed is to be vulnerable. It is possible to be highly-skilled in socializing, charming, surrounded by people, and well-loved, but still be essentially alone. Opening our inner worlds to others can be so fundamentally threatening that we never do it. Many people never know anything but loneliness. By doing the work, though, we can at least position ourselves such that we might just have a chance to make a real connection with another person and enjoy the indescribable bliss of true loving togetherness. The benefits are incomparable and precious beyond measure.
Most Advice for Lonely People is Useless

June 14th, 2022

When I was trying to crawl out of my own lonely hell I read a lot of advice. Some was good, but most wasn’t. If you’re reading this now then you’ve probably read a lot of other stuff about socializing and making friends. I don’t think I’m going too controversial when I say that for those who are truly alone most social advice is useless. For example, they tell you: just be yourself! Yet what else could you be? Isn’t that the same self that is alone? What if you’ve tried a dozen times, a hundred times, to go ‘be yourself’ only to have others avoid you, ignore you, reject you, or humiliate you? Isn’t it madness to do the same things over and over when they never seem to work?

Other bits of advice are not entirely useless, but assume a degree of social grace that many people do not have. I am reminded of the ‘draw the rest of the owl’ meme. There are entire books full of methods that can only be used by people who are already proficient at socializing. If, for example, someone does not know how to begin a conversation, how could they use any tips about what to talk about while speaking to others? And of what use is advice about handling social events when you aren’t invited to any because you don’t know a single other person who might invite you?

I am not going to ask you to go ‘push your boundaries’ or to go far outside your comfort zone.

Another major missing consideration is the power of fear and anxiety. Social anxiety is not a barrier everyone can decide to overcome through sheer force of will. If you cannot bring yourself to speak at all, how can you hope to apply conversational advice? If you cannot bring yourself to respond to texts or calls, how can you even accept an invitation to a party, let alone face the terror of attending one? When the thought of a cashier asking you a question makes you sweat with fear, how can you possibly strike up a conversation with a stranger? It simply isn’t enough to say ‘just do it’, because anxiety will not only ruin the attempt, it will prime a person to fear the next attempt even more. Social anxiety can easily lead to a negative feedback loop where every attempt to push through it makes the anxiety grow until a person retreats completely. If you have given up because of anxiety, or if you want to give up, I hope you stick with me because I have methods that are extremely safe and low-anxiety. Much of what you will do at first does not even require you to leave your home, and much of it does not require you to speak. I am not going to ask you to go ‘push your boundaries’ or to go far outside your comfort zone. I couldn’t do that, either. I was hurt and anxious and needed a very gentle path from being alone to being with others, and that is the path I’m going to try to provide for others.

In my own search for books and advice I was disappointed with how cynical much of it is. Most social guides are not aimed at forming genuine connections with others. Instead, they are manuals are how to fake charm and manipulate people. Escaping loneliness does not happen simply by being charming. Having fans and acolytes does not make a person feel connected. Influencing others into obeying you will also fail to resolve loneliness.

My goal in life, and my hope for the reader, is not to ‘win’ at making friends, it is to connect with them in a deep, sincere, and loving way. I want to love and be loved. I want to have people who come to me when they are hurting because they know they can trust me to care for them even when they are at their lowest point. I want to be able to trust me closest connections so deeply that I could do the same when I am weak.

I have people in my life like this right now: my spouse, and some close friends and family. Our connections to one another have been tested by adversity, sickness, and financial ruin. We have seen another in happiness and depression and remained connected not for any reasons of power or money or prestige but because we want to share our life with one another. I want this for you, too. This is the goal. To know, in your heart, that you are with someone and they are with you.
Questions To Be Addressed

June 5th, 2022

An incomplete list of questions to be addressed:

How can I connect with others so I am no longer lonely?

How can I overcome social anxiety?

How do I deal with small talk?

What is the right thing to say when someone says ________?

How do I start and hold conversation?

How do I make friends?

Where does one go to make friends?

Why does it seems as though people don’t like me?

I believe I’m a boring person, how can I become more interesting?