Awareness – We are always aware of others. We see them, listen to them, and in all other ways pay full attention to them. We strive to be aware of all aspects of others without ignoring anything regardless of how it makes us feel. When our attention is pulled away by distractions around us or within us, we take note, and then direct our awareness back to others. We remain aware of the people in our lives and those not yet in our lives even when they are not around us. We keep others in our thoughts and in our hearts.
Consequently, we must practice awareness for without it we are lost. We cannot begin to learn to be with others if we cannot pay attention to them. Awareness demands a non-judgmental attitude because judgement obscures pure awareness. This we must also practice. Every barrier to awareness—fear, anxiety, self-criticism, apathy, etc.—must be noted and investigated and eventually resolved so that we can be fully and totally aware of others and ourselves and the context in which we are all socially present. We must practice awareness daily, hourly, moment-to-moment. It is the foundation of everything.
Consent – We strive to never violate other people. We do not wish to force ourselves on anyone. We respect boundaries. It is our wish to be with others willingly, such that no one feels obligated to be anything but their authentic selves. All positive social interactions happen with mutual consent. Wherever consent is not granted, for whatever reason, we must respect it and give others space. To violate consent in any way is profoundly destructive to social relationships and is wrong. We recognize that consent is an inner state, and that it may change at any moment. There is no ‘ought’ with consent, there is no external contract which may compel it, and no past agreement which can override the withdrawal of consent. When we find we have violated consent in any way we are ready to admit it, we are curious about how it happened, we listen to those we have hurt, and we do all we can to make them whole again. We apologize sincerely and feel our own remorse fully without justifying or equivocating. We do not push others, we do not pester, we do not harass. We accept that healthy relationships are only ever by mutual consent and if that is not present we accept the end of the relationship and feel whatever grief may result. Critically, we understand that just because we desperately want something from someone does not mean they have any obligation to give it to us.
Consequently, we must learn how to understand the often subtle and complex verbal and non-verbal methods people use to communicate their desires, limits, boundaries, and moment-to-moment consent to our social interaction. We must always work to build a deeper understanding of those around us so that their boundaries are clear to us. We pay attention to how they communicate—or fail to communicate!—their fear and pain. We are always sensitive to the fear and pain of others even when we do not yet understand why they are feeling as they. We learn to check-in with others and to establish ourselves and trustworthy and stable enough to receive criticism and other negative information regarding our failures to respect consent.
Charity – We want to be generous with our attitude, attention, and communication. We assume the very best about others. We withhold judgment and give the benefit of the doubt. We ask ourselves constantly ‘what does this person need, and can I provide it for them?’. We focus on the welfare of those around us and consciously direct our awareness to them in a spirit of compassion. It is our happiness to see others happy. We see through illusory things like physical appearances, wealth, status, and ‘success’, and focus on the inherent and incalculable value of the human being. We do not hold back with our love. We give for the sake of providing and for not other reason. We care for others because they deserve it, especially when they do not feel they deserve it. We recognize that others may find it difficult to feel charitable towards us. We understand that people have their own fears and anxieties and confused judgments which may obscure us in their eyes and make it impossible for them to be generous to us. We are charitable to ourselves, as well, and do not judge ourselves even when we find we have failed in our own effort to be charitable and non-judgmental.
Consequently, we must address our inner values and attitudes so as to confront any confusion that could lead to us being neglectful, hostile, or judgmental. We must intentionally practice seeing others in the best possible light. Wherever we realize there is hatred or fear or disgust or contempt in our hearts we realize we have become confused again and we work to understand the origin of those confused feelings. We practice daily remaining aware that our thoughts and feelings have no inherent truth to them, so that any uncharitable thought or feeling may be as inconsequential as temporarily believing there are two moons. We strive daily to look at other people and see their inherent value.
Reciprocity – We understand there is an inherent equality among all people. We are not the protagonist of the story of life. We are not exceptional. We deserve kindness in the same measure as anyone else. In our relationships we honour this by never taking more than our share, nor asking more than we would give. When others show us kindness, we make an effort to return that kindness. When someone risks something for our sake—perhaps by inviting us to a social event, which risks rejection—we strive to risk something for their sake, as well. We also expect that those who love us with return our love, and we do not allow ourselves to be taken for granted. All healthy adult relationships are based on reciprocity and so there must always be a reasonable back-and-forth of social burdens like responsibility, initiative, and risk.
Consequently, we must make use of our awareness and take note of what others do for us that we may do it for them, as well. The practical effort of honouring reciprocity is in doing things that we do not do naturally or spontaneously. If someone calls us on the phone, we may not naturally want to call them back. But if their call made us feel good, then we ought to make them feel good in the same way even if we must expend some willpower and endure some temporarily discomfort. To do our part in a relationships we will regularly be called to leave our comfort zone. It is best to do so when others have done it for us.
Mutuality – A relationship is like walking together. When we walk with someone we share a similar space as they do, and we expect this. Walking together we share the sunshine, the rain, and storms. We laugh together, we cry together. We expect to share in feasts and famine alike. When we are blessed, we share our blessings. When we are in trouble, we humble ourselves and ask our friends for help. We carry with us always the understanding that we are sharing life in a deep sense and do not try to except ourselves from the difficult parts. Relationships are about being together, not just extracting good feelings from another person. We do not try to avoid others when they are difficult, least of all if we still expect others to support us through our own difficulties. We walk together, hand in hand, and face the future in relationship. Every movement away from this mutual walk is destructive to our relationships. We focus always on walking with others and do not expect to lead nor follow and we do not allow ourselves to be fooled into those confused modes of relating.
Consequently, we must intentionally address our attitudes about our relationships so that we are seeking only to share life. We must set our mind and heart to expect to walk through difficult times with those in our lives so that tragedy does not catch us unaware and unable to be with others fully. We do not expect others to share in their wealth, but we recognize that it is best to share, and we draw closer to those who understand this as we do. Nor do we expect others to share our pain, but we appreciate it when they do. We look at what we have and what others have and do what we can to share it all without holding back so that they feel we are well and truly with them. This means sacrificing our time and possessions and sometimes our well-being in order that we never take more than we get from those with whom we walk.
Balance – As no one is any better or worse than anyone else there is an implied balance to all relationships. We recognize that whatever work is necessary for a relationship ought to be distributed as equitably as possible. No one should be suffering significantly more than anyone else in the maintenance of a relationship. No one should be getting significantly more than they are giving. We do not hold to balance as an absolute, but rather as a bellwether which may help guide us to healthy and pro-social actions and expectations. We understand that balance does not imply quantifiable equality in all aspect, as some things are more costly to one person than to another, and it is that underlying cost that ought to be balanced rather than the measure of it. To be more concrete: ten dollars is trivial to the rich person, but costly to the poor person, and so it would be out of balance for the poor person to pay as much as the rich person. Similarly, if someone has a high cost of anxiety for a particular kind of social interaction, it may be balanced to have one person doing a lot more of something—like party planning, group organizing, etc.—than another person while still maintaining a fundamental balance.
Consequently, we must pay attention to those aspect which may be balanced or out of balance. We must intentional ask ourselves: am I doing my part? Am I carrying my weight? Am I expecting others to do more work so that I don’t have to? Am I suffering far more than others in a way that feels unfair? If we do not check and maintain awareness we cannot hope to move towards a more balanced way of being with others. It is, like all things, something we must be intentional about, especially at first.