It is possible you are currently so socially anxious that you cannot bring yourself to initiate a conversation with anyone. You may also feel like your social skill is simply too low to manage a conversation. Perhaps you’ve tried and failed to ‘put yourself out there’ or ‘just talk to people’ etc. enough times that you no longer feel it’s useful to try anymore. This is a method to ease your social anxiety and improve your social grace that does not require you to speak to or even look at anyone else. It is safe and can be done alone.
Even if you aren’t in such a state, this is a good method to practice. What, you might wonder, could be the benefit of not talking to people? How could that improve our social grace? How does this get us any closer to connecting with others?
There are many answers to those questions, but one of them is that every social interaction begins at a distance (if it is face-to-face). Before any words are spoken others will see your appearance, your body language, your demeanour, your facial expression, and many other signs and signals that will communicate something about you. You might get annoyed at these kinds of judgements, but there’s no point in being bothered. This is just how it is. Other people will see how you look and how you behave and draw conclusions about you based on this.
It is a very common problem for people to communicate non-verbally that they want people to stay away from them. A person who is visibly anxious, especially if their anxiety increases when approached, will signal to a consider person that they ought to leave this anxious person alone. It is a sad irony that many lonely people are avoided out of compassion rather than disgust.
Social anxiety can lead to a similar problem. Anxiety is a kind of fear, and social anxiety is a kind of generalize fear of others. When we are afraid we show it via our body and face. Others see that we are afraid and they avoid us. We are like growling dogs, and so it is reasonable to expect people to avoid us when we are afraid of them. A growling dog does not hate you, it is afraid of you, and wants you to stay away. Sometimes we ‘growl’ with our bodies in ways we cannot control. If we can ease the fear, however, we will not growl, and others will feel safe to approach us.
If we can remain calm around others, we will naturally affect a calm appearance and facial expression. This will communicate to those around us that we are approachable. This can help pave the way for positive social interactions.
This is something I did while working on my own loneliness and social anxiety, and I still practice it. I can’t promise anything, but it helped me reduce my anxiety. The nice part is you don’t have to speak to anyone or even look them in the eye, so it is very safe. It can also be done alone.
0) Make the decision to do it. Resolve to practice walking calm.
1) Go somewhere where there are people around such as a grocery store, shopping mall, public park, etc. At first it is best to do it when you know you can leave at any time. Try to do it when you’re in a good mood already.
2) Walk around and try to remain calm. This is all you really need to do. Staying relaxed while around other people is all you are practicing during this time.
3) Pay attention to how you’re feeling while you walk. It is not possible to force yourself to be calm. Rather, you can be aware of how you feel, and then respond in a sensible way to help yourself regain calm. If you get a little anxious, that is OK, don’t get angry with yourself! Some anxiety is going to happen. Remind yourself that you do not need to talk to anyone or even look at them, all you need to do is walk around and be among people. Focus on your breathing while you walk. Deep, even breaths, exhale for as long as you inhale. This sort of breathing will tell your body ‘everything is OK’. Bring to mind happy memories, as well as thoughts of things that delight you. Anything that gives you warm feelings can help keep you calm while you’re around others. It might seem a little silly, but it works.
4) If you are feeling calm, try to let your body show it. Walk at an easy pace and let your hands swing at your sides. Keep you eyes at eye-level, generally, if you can. You do not need to hold your eyes up all the time, but it is always good if you can raise your eyes to observe others. Pay attention to how your face appears and try to affect a relaxed half-smile.
5) Look around. Look at everything around you. Try, if you can, to be curious about it all. Most of all try to look at the people around you. This is optional, of course, but it does help a lot. Don’t stare at them, just take a quick look, and then let your eyes keep wandering to other things.
6) This is key: Intentionally think charitable and compassionate thoughts about every person you see. Imagine their mother holding them as a baby, naming them, looking with love in her eyes. Imagine them as a child, precious and small and full of energy and life. Imagine that they have friends who care about them and that they care about others. Consider that they may have people who rely on them, people who are delighted that they are in the world. Consider that they are fighting battles just like you are, that life is also hard for them in ways you do not know and can only imagine. Consider that they have fears and insecurities. Remind yourself that they are just as deserving of love and kindness as anyone else. This is especially true if they look upset or angry, or if they are clearly having a troubled life. If they are ugly in some way consider how much harder it must be for them to face the world, and try to give them extra charity in your mind. Imagine if they were thirsty that you would give them water, and imagine if you were thirsty they would do the same for you. Tell yourself “This person is just as valuable as I am, they deserve love and kindness, and I hope they are doing well.”
7) Pay attention to your own feelings as you do the above step. How do you react to others? Pay attention to your feelings with as much clarity as you can. Are you feeling fear, disgust, pity, envy, desire? Do not judge yourself, no matter what you feel. Feeling negative feelings is part of being a person. What matters is that you are aware of how you are feeling. If you find it difficult to summon positive thoughts about a specific person, try to be aware of why that might be. Consider what about them might make it challenging to think kindly of them. Whatever you feel, take note, and then move on to the next person and the next thing to focus on.
8) If you notice yourself starting to speculate about what others are thinking of you, take note that your mind as wandered, then bring your focus back to your work. Focus on your walking, your facial expression, your breathing, and whatever it is you’re looking at. This kind of work is not helped by thinking about how others might be thinking.
9) If you get anxious to the point of distraction, or if you get tired or upset, or if for any other reason you feel unable to continue the work, feel free to decide to return to a safe place to recover. You can always try again another time. Do not push yourself to do things that are acutely uncomfortable.
Practice the above daily if you can. It can be practiced whenever you’re around others, or even when you’re just people-watching. For me, this practice led to a noticeable drop in anxiety around strangers after a few weeks of practice. Over time I felt less afraid and more able to be around people without my anxiety spiking. It is hard, after all, to speak calmly with others if you cannot even be around people without being terribly anxious. Again: I cannot stress enough how important it is to think charitably about people on purpose.
This all might seem to have little to do with social anxiety since you aren’t actually speaking to anyone, but you are, in a significant way, socializing with others around you even when you’re silent. Your body language, your facial expression, your overall affect, it all communicates something to the people around you. If you are calm, you will tend to appear calm. If you’re focused on others and thinking well of them, you’ll tend to look warm and inviting. This will lay the groundwork for practicing social interactions that will be positive and low-anxiety, which is when exposure therapy actually has a chance to help you instead of just making things worse.
It is important to note that the goal here is not to perform or mask our anxiety, the point is to ease the anxiety itself, to remain free of fear and stay in a relaxed state. Then our body will naturally communicate our ease for us without any need to perform.