When I was trying to crawl out of my own lonely hell I read a lot of advice. Some was good, but most wasn’t. If you’re reading this now then you’ve probably read a lot of other stuff about socializing and making friends. I don’t think I’m going too controversial when I say that for those who are truly alone most social advice is useless. For example, they tell you: just be yourself! Yet what else could you be? Isn’t that the same self that is alone? What if you’ve tried a dozen times, a hundred times, to go ‘be yourself’ only to have others avoid you, ignore you, reject you, or humiliate you? Isn’t it madness to do the same things over and over when they never seem to work?

Other bits of advice are not entirely useless, but assume a degree of social grace that many people do not have. I am reminded of the ‘draw the rest of the owl’ meme. There are entire books full of methods that can only be used by people who are already proficient at socializing. If, for example, someone does not know how to begin a conversation, how could they use any tips about what to talk about while speaking to others? And of what use is advice about handling social events when you aren’t invited to any because you don’t know a single other person who might invite you?

I am not going to ask you to go ‘push your boundaries’ or to go far outside your comfort zone.

Another major missing consideration is the power of fear and anxiety. Social anxiety is not a barrier everyone can decide to overcome through sheer force of will. If you cannot bring yourself to speak at all, how can you hope to apply conversational advice? If you cannot bring yourself to respond to texts or calls, how can you even accept an invitation to a party, let alone face the terror of attending one? When the thought of a cashier asking you a question makes you sweat with fear, how can you possibly strike up a conversation with a stranger? It simply isn’t enough to say ‘just do it’, because anxiety will not only ruin the attempt, it will prime a person to fear the next attempt even more. Social anxiety can easily lead to a negative feedback loop where every attempt to push through it makes the anxiety grow until a person retreats completely. If you have given up because of anxiety, or if you want to give up, I hope you stick with me because I have methods that are extremely safe and low-anxiety. Much of what you will do at first does not even require you to leave your home, and much of it does not require you to speak. I am not going to ask you to go ‘push your boundaries’ or to go far outside your comfort zone. I couldn’t do that, either. I was hurt and anxious and needed a very gentle path from being alone to being with others, and that is the path I’m going to try to provide for others.

In my own search for books and advice I was disappointed with how cynical much of it is. Most social guides are not aimed at forming genuine connections with others. Instead, they are manuals are how to fake charm and manipulate people. Escaping loneliness does not happen simply by being charming. Having fans and acolytes does not make a person feel connected. Influencing others into obeying you will also fail to resolve loneliness. 

My goal in life, and my hope for the reader, is not to ‘win’ at making friends, it is to connect with them in a deep, sincere, and loving way. I want to love and be loved. I want to have people who come to me when they are hurting because they know they can trust me to care for them even when they are at their lowest point. I want to be able to trust me closest connections so deeply that I could do the same when I am weak. 

I have people in my life like this right now: my spouse, and some close friends and family. Our connections to one another have been tested by adversity, sickness, and financial ruin. We have seen another in happiness and depression and remained connected not for any reasons of power or money or prestige but because we want to share our life with one another. I want this for you, too. This is the goal. To know, in your heart, that you are with someone and they are with you.